Pre-Nuptial Arguing

Since 1988 – the writer has spoken to thousands of brides and grooms-to-be and the subject of arguing before the wedding comes up almost all the time.     Couples have to cope with stress from their work and stress from their families and friends.  Stress will also occur while planning for the wedding day.   During the pre-nuptial period, a certain amount of arguing will occur but usually these arguments are minor.  

If either bride or groom-to-be feels there is a great deal of arguing - my suggestion to the couple is to get in to counseling immediately.    

 The pre-nuptial time period is when the couple gets a taste of making decisions together and discovers new things about each other because they spend more and more time together.  It is a time period where couples learn to "give and take" while planning their wedding and a time when life relationship habits, patterns and customs begin. 

It is a time period where individuals feel they and - only they - know how to make certain decisions but discover that there is a whole lot more to learn! It is a time period to really listen to what the other is saying  and to try to understand what the other is saying.   It is a time period to recognize that one might need to change a few habits in order to keep love healthy and strong between one another.  It is a time period to recognize how actions and words can hurt and that you both need to improve how each of you relates to one another.

It is a time period to evaluate the amount of excess baggage you are carrying in to your new relationship and to make sure past relationships are left in the past!   Read John Travolta's remarks under Building a Marriage...article 17.

 A couple is well ahead of the game if they decide on counseling prior to the wedding day.  Making the decision to enter counseling means that you both feel your love for each other is extremely important and that you want your relationship to be a success.   Walking hand in hand - growing old with the one you love -  through life's ups and downs  - is probably the most amazing thing you'll ever experience. 

It is an important time period  for both the bride and groom-to-be  to recognize how their actions, thoughts and/or habits...... affect each other. 

 You can look at all the wedding planning you both work on together during  the pre-nuptial time....  as a practice  for  how you will  have to give and take on most issues through out your marriage.     If the decision making goes easy...that's what  you'll experience in marriage later on.    If you are fighting during  this time period....take a step back and.......try to figure out why you are fighting.    The pattern on  how  both of you will react to  daily problems .........   starts to develop early on.   

Getting through these rough times will prepare you for getting through the day to day  problems that you'll both face during  marriage.    If indeed you commit to one another...you will respect each other and really try to be fair when you give and take on different issues.      Once you are married.........and have a few serious arguments.........it is easy to walk away when you don't want to  work things out.    But remember.....   you promised  during your marriage ceremony that you will both commit to one another.   This means......don't take the easy way out.    Work at it!    Find ways to resolve disagreements don't avoid addressing issues that bother you!   Good things never come easy.     Walking hand in hand - growing old with the one you love -  always communicating  and showing respect for each other....through life's ups and downs  - is probably the most amazing thing you'll ever experience.    

Dr. Phil has had guests on his program dealing with this type of problem and has built a reputation of telling it - like it is!     Tapes of his shows on premarital problems are available .......  take the time and go to www.DrPhil.com and check out what he has to say!    You and your partner will benefit!

Issues of concern to either bride or groom-to-be that are not dealt with prior to a wedding will fester and grow .........and will most likely develop in to huge problems in the future.     If you argue excessively - don't delay - get help  - the rewards can be great!

Counselors usually want to meet with both the bride and groom-to-be at the same time.  More often than not - a counselor will suggest that it would also be beneficial to meet individually with either one or the other or both the bride or groom-to-be.  

The amount of studying and learning one has to do to get/keep/advance/be successful in a job is stressful and tiring and the rewards are numerous.   It is crucial for couples to recognize that a great deal  of work is also necessary in order to keep your love alive and to keep your relationship healthy!   If you are willing to give and give and give some more………the rewards of a happy long term relationship are immeasurable and will certainly top any rewards that a job will give to either of you!  

Quite often - the process of  "planning the wedding" is the cause of arguing!   Ask yourself - are we spending too much  - is this part of the problem?   Are we planning a one day event that has become too elaborate -  is this part of the problem?    Have we allowed enough time to plan our wedding - do we need more time - is this part of the problem?

During the pre-nuptial period try to limit your discussions on wedding plans to twenty (20) minutes at a time.  When you come upon an issue that is causing a lot of stress for either of you - or for a family member, try to find a way to resolve that issue.    Three months after the wedding most issues will most likely be looked upon as trivial and you will laugh at how you stressed over certain issues while planning your wedding.

Submit any questions to limolady@nycap.rr.com
or call Maria at 518  312-8505